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‘This is beyond my normal’ – neurodivergence and parenthood

Parenthood brought three things into Jessie Johnson’s world – a son, a business idea, and a diagnosis. 

Her experience as a first-time Mum, without a village for support, led to the creation of Dew Drops Postpartum Support Services (dewdropsnz.org), and the realisation she could be neurodivergent. 

To find out more about Jessie's journey with Dew Drops, read: Creating a village to support struggling parents (adhd.org.nz) 

Sensory ovewhelm

No, you’re not

When Jessie’s son was under one, she went to her (then) GP. “This was before it (ADHD) was on TikTok and all that. I’d already had inklings throughout my life, but it was the sensory overwhelm that did it,” she said.

Unfortunately Jessie’s GP did not agree with her assessment. “I said, ‘I think I might be ADHD’, and he said ‘no, you’re not.’ I should have pursued it then, but I took his word for it, and thought ‘maybe I’m just making it up?’”

Battling burnout

Jessie carried on for another four years, creating and running her successful support service. But as the business grew, her struggles grew with it. “The more the admin grew, and the more responsibilities I needed to maintain, the more I started to burn out and really struggle. I couldn’t keep up.”

That was when she knew there was something deeper going on. “I thought, ‘if you don’t pursue this now, you’re going to burn out, or your little boy’s not going to have a Mum anymore.”

I didn’t want to get to 50 and wonder what could have been

Jessie was determined to push harder this time. “I didn’t want to quit. With all my mental health advocacy, my curiosity about how my brain works really helped,” she said.

Initially she didn’t want to go down the medication road, but at this point she was prepared to try. “I didn’t want to be medicated, which I think is why I held off for so long. I went in just to better understand myself more than anything.”

In the end she decided, if she had the option, she would trial it. “I thought ‘I’ll give it a go, because I don’t want to get to 50 and wonder what I could have been if I had pursued this now.’”

Dual diagnosis

Jessie spoke to her new GP, and her sister who works in Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, and both suggested something she had never thought of.

“They both said they thought I was more on the autism spectrum than ADHD, and I was like ‘hang on, what? Nah, that’s not possible.”  

Like many, Jessie’s frame of reference for autism was one end of the spectrum. “I felt rude, but I was thinking about people who were non-verbal, or not social. Whereas I’m so outward. I’m unapologetic and unashamed. But the more I started exploring it, the more I started to think ‘oh shit, you are!’ So, I went down the dual diagnosis route."

The pros and cons of ‘having both’

Jessie was diagnosed with AuDHD (ADHD and autism combined) and found medication did help. She also grew to understand the ups and downs of having both conditions.

“It’s really interesting having both. You get the bonuses of ADHD in terms of ‘I’m gonna do the things,’ and the bonuses of autism, where you can somehow control your environment – but the push-pull between the two of them, it’s so painful.”

Despite the painful parts, Jessie feels like having both ADHD and autism can be easier than having one or the other. “Sometimes it works really well, it’s just the contrast of having them both at the same time is really complex. I think that’s why knowing has been a game-changer for me.”

Understanding the need for control

Keeping control of her environment has always been a battle for Jessie. “When I was younger, and when I was flatting, my room would be a pigsty, and then I would panic-clean it. I knew that if I went down a spiral where my environment was too chaotic, my mind would get worse and worse and lead to depressive episodes.

“So, I had to control my environment in order to stay sane – and then I would end up trying to control too much. Especially if I was living with flatmates, or even my husband. I’d be like ‘THAT DOESN’T GO THERE!!’”

Because of that need for control, Jessie thought she might have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). “I thought I might have become OCD in order to control my ADHD,” she said. Now she understands more about her autism, Jessie realises that is what’s behind her need for control, and why she gets angry when someone doesn’t stick to a rule.

She also understands that’s where her strong sense of justice comes from, something she considers a definite positive. “If there’s injustice, that part of me just lights up, and if it’s worth fighting, I will fight it.

“It (AuDHD) has so many pros and cons. I went into it just to understand myself, and to be able to work the best with myself,” she said.

Supporting family understanding

Diagnosis not only helped Jessie understand herself, it helped her husband understand her better too. “He now knows that I’m actually not just being a bitch, there is a reason why I am so reactive, and there is a reason why I get so overwhelmed.

“And your relationship after having a child? I remember googling ‘is it normal to hate your partner after having a baby?’ Yes. Yes, it is - and if you add neurodivergence into it, even more so.”  

Understanding has helped protect Jessie’s relationship with her son too, which was one of the catalysts behind getting diagnosed.

“That’s the thing about being a mother. I was never too worried about burning the adults around me, but the moment I started yelling at my son, the moment I noticed those things starting to affect my connection with him, that was when I realised it couldn’t continue.

“Because obviously, I was overwhelmed, I was overstimulated, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I had a lack of support, a lack of village,” she said.

Advice for parents seeking diagnosis

Jessie’s advice for parents considering their own diagnosis, is to try to get the process started sooner rather than later.

“I would say to any pregnant person, any parent at any age or stage, if this is something you are pondering, if you are looking at those TikToks and thinking ‘that feels like me’, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, it could be really beneficial to try and explore that.”

“I know the financial barriers are massive, and the overwhelm in even knowing where to start, and the forms they make you fill in for diagnosis are out the gate for people who can’t fill in forms (the tism helped me with that part!).

“But if you are feeling like this is you, exploring it could change your life. It could change your parenting journey, and doing it sooner rather than later could be game-changing for you.”

You need, and you deserve, support

Jessie believes, if she had explored the possibility of being neurodivergent before having a child, parenthood would have been a much different experience.

“So many people get touched out, so many people get overwhelmed, but if you throw neurodivergence into the mix, it will push those limits even further and challenge you so, so, much.

“Parenting can be hard for everyone, but if you are neurodivergent, or undiagnosed neurodivergent specifically, those challenges can be tenfold. You need and you deserve support.

“You don’t deserve to be hitting rock bottom, or burning out, until you ask for it. You deserve help, not only for you, but for your child too,” she said.